As A Customer is THIS What You Want? Not Me. By Robert Bacal

Amazing. As a customer, I have an expectation that what I purchase will do what it’s advertised to do, and that if I run into problems, I can contact the vendor and receive actual real human help. If the thing breaks when it shouldn’t, I want to be compensated. That’s just about it. Pipe dream? Yup. However if you follow all the customer service zealots and lunatics, you’ll find them celebrating things I just don’t care about, and I bet it’s the same for you. Here’s a few examples from this morning’s tweets on #custserv

@polinchock tells us that

All of the clothing in moosejaws private clothing line is named after an actual customer

Who cares. I want my clothes to wear well, fit well, and last, and I want the help to get fitted well and to choose the best options that will fit me. That’s it. I don’t need a line of clothes called “The Bobby Line”.

@hyattcareers writes:

RT @mpace101: witnessed gr8 #custserv in action. @hyatt Santa Clara, doormen hand chilled bottled water to peeps coming back from run -<3 it

Actually, if you don’t think about this much, it’s nice. As a former runner, well, chilled water…not quite sure about whether this is a PR thing or something to help out the runners, but here’s the thing I DON’T CARE ABOUT. Handchilled? How does handchilled versus machine chilled enter into this? Seriously. Why is that mentioned? And how does someone handchill something? You can handwarm something by sticking it down your pants or in your armpit, but you can’t actually hand chill something in the same sense. In any event, who cares.

@knowledgebishop shares with us his usual nonsensical fortune cookie ideas about customer service. By the way this fellow is our go to guy whenever we need a quote about customer service that is oversimplified, banal and says nothing.

“If I have to pickup the phone to call you, your web site has failed.” – @rtarkoff, via @deirdrewalsh #custserv

How interesting. Who cares. Here’s what I want. I want a human. Repeat. I want a human. I don’t want a human as a last resort. I want a human to provide customer service, NOT a web site, not social media, not anything else but a human. My time is more valuable than yours, and I choose not to spend it wandering through a website no matter HOW good. Shut down your website. Give me a phone number that is answered by a real human within 30 seconds who knows what he or she is doing. Got it!