Think "Difficult Behavior", Not Difficult People

If labeling people as difficult is likely to create more difficulty, what exactly is the alternative? Good question.

The answer is pretty straightforward. We can adopt a mind-set that doesn’t focus on labeling people, but on identifying when difficult, manipulative, or hostile behaviors occur. We focus on behavior.

To show you the difference, let’s look at two different ways you might look at a person. Rather than thinking: “Oh, Mary’s always so darn difficult,” you might think to yourself: “Mary is being difficult by not listening to me right now.”

Can you see the difference? It’s a bit subtle. In the first phrase, you classify Mary as a difficult person (always difficult, always a problem). That predisposes you to treat Mary in a way that may actually push her into being more difficult.

The second phrasing identifies that, at that moment, Mary is using a particular technique (not listening) that is creating difficulty for you. By thinking this way, you are more likely to deal with the specific behavior in a constructive way.

The negative impact of difficult people comes from the way they behave. We get angry, frustrated, and stressed out because of what difficult people do, not who they are or what they are.

There are a few other reasons for thinking about difficult behaviors, rather than labeling people as difficult. First, most people aren’t difficult all the time. People behave in what we call situation-specific ways. Generally people are quite smart. They vary what they do depending on the context. For example, a person may act difficult with you, but be all smiles, pleasantness, and cooperation with the CEO of the company. Or vice versa. A person may behave nicely with his or her spouse but treat you badly.

Or an employee may treat his or her co-workers in ways that are offensive but treat you, a manager, quite nicely, thank you! People just aren’t very consistent. They operate differently depending on the situation.

So labeling a person as difficult doesn’t help us solve the difficultness, because it’s inaccurate. It doesn’t help us figure out why someone is difficult on occasion, or when or under what circumstances. And, if you are to make headway dealing with difficult people, you may need to know those things.
Another reason it’s important to focus on behavior is that the behavior is what we need to deal with.

Dealing with difficult behavior requires keying our responses to what the person is doing at the moment, and our responses may vary depending on the nature of the behavior. Consider the following:

• If we can eliminate the difficult behavior, we no longer have a problem.
• The only way we know someone is difficult is through his or her behavior.

The negative impact of difficult people comes from the way they behave. We get angry, frustrated, and stressed out because of what difficult people do, not who they are or what they are.

Focus on what people do, not who you think they are or how you label