You have a right to stand up for yourself, but the WAY you do it determines whether you damage or strengthen your relationship. "Take It Or Leave It" is NOT the way to stand up and be assertive. Here's why:

Examples:

· Take it or leave it.

· It’s my way or the highway

 Explanation:

These are ultimatums. They emphasize that YOU are in control, and YOU will make a decision, one that the other person might not like, unless you get what you want.

In any relationship, each person has the right to say: “This is my absolute bottom line, and I can’t live with anything less”. Even so, ultimatums are more complex than you’d think.

First, don’t give ultimatums unless you are absolutely serious, and prepared to act on them if you don’t get what you need. Otherwise, you are  unnecessarily manipulating and pressuring the other person, and that’s a poor way to build a foundation for a relationship.

Second, consider rephrasing your ultimatums to be less confrontational and so they are more likely to keep communication channels open. If that’s what you want.

 Make It Better:

Add detail (more information) to your ultimatum to cushion the impact, while still getting across that you are serious about the issue.

· I’m afraid it’s a take it or leave it thing. I have a job offer I’m not going to refuse, and I’d like you to come, and I’ll do everything I can to make that decision easier.

· I can’t continue to see you unless you enter into a substance abuse recovery program. I’ll help you and do my best, but if that’s not acceptable, I will move on. It’s up to you.