Imperfect Phrases For Relationships

We often say things that make relationship discussions into flaming wars because we get anger or have simmering frustrations. That's normal, at least once in a while, but if you want to work to manage your anger, and reduce the times you lash out, there is one essential skill to learn. If you use this skill, and that means practicing it mindfully (with attention), you'll give your "rational" brain and chance to counter-act your "emotional brain". Then you'll find it much easier to replace the destructive words and phrases with constructive, bridge building ones.

Remember, Your "Gut" Response Comes From An Anger Place

First, if someone says something that hurts your feelings or provokes anger, your FIRST and immediate response is what you learned long ago -- your "child" response". That response usually involved striking or lashing out, and so it's almost always going to be a reaction that makes things worse.

Stop The First, Gut Response

Your first, and essential step is to SLOW DOWN your response, so your gut response doesn't come out of your mouth and make things worse. It may seem that that's impossible, but in fact, you can learn to do this. When you are provoked, buy time for yourself and your partner by keeping your mouth shut. Count to five if necessary. Think of something else. 

Better yet, say to yourself: "I'm not going to respond in kind and make this situation worse". Or, "I need to really listen to my partner, and UNDERSTAND before I say anything (after all you might be misunderstanding).

Or, remind yourself to BREATHE. When we are tense and angry we tend to stop breathing, which causes our chest muscles to tense, and that makes things worse. Take ONE deep breathe before responding.

You CAN do this, or at least most people can, and you have to LEARN it, so start now. Promise yourself to take one deep breathe before responding to comments in an argument. 

Then, you have time to think about a constructive way to respond, and eliminate the 101 Imperfect phrases you want to avoid.